Category Archives: Short Stories

#HeadlineTherapy

Two popular candy bars recalled over potential “life-threatening” ingredient days before Halloween.

I cannot confirm or deny the brand of candy bar they are talking about as I’m unwilling to press the button to “read for free with ads and cookies”, because actually my life does not depend on me knowing what type of candy bar it is. I haven’t bought any yet.

Assuming they are successful at withdrawing them from the shelves, why worry? Which,(ever the optimist) I think they will be. For those who have bought them; well I hope you are subscribers to the Independent or visit your supermarket regularly and read the “Danger Product Withdrawal Posters ” Anyway, I haven’t bought or am likely to buy any Halloween Candy . I might make some for fun.

For those of you, however, who have invested in Halloween Candy and are now concerned, well isn’t that just the spirit of Halloween eh? Those bright orange pumpkin shaped gobstoppers , with purple eyes , I mean where’s the fun without a bit of danger. The purple chocolate and the strands of white plastic like shards in the shape of a skeleton. The added excitement that your candy bar might be laced with arsenic (easily detected) or perhaps asbestos ( for a slow lingering, law suit ridden death).

Perhaps this Headline is just a ruse to add an extra layer of creepy fun to Halloween. Then maybe they are deadly serious. Beware!

PS If you are an existing subscriber to the Independent and find out what the Candy Bar is , please let me know in the comments. Just for creepy curiosity sake.

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#HeadlineTherapy

Urgent Alert Issued to Anyone who uses Gmail after 183 million passwords leaked.

The hackers have done their worse

To these Global Businesses they are a curse,

Or was it just a human blip

When someone at Google let their coffee slip

The keyboard sopping

And lots of mopping,

Unbeknown  a button pressed,

In truth we’ll never know the rest

To secrecy all employees sign up

Never admit  it was a plastic cup

They didn’t just release your private data,

But also caused an  imbalance  at the Earth’s

equator,

Millions panic to remember their password

While the earth’s ocean soaks up the  disposable 

plastic crud

How many disposable coffee cups do Google

employees use?

This password nonsense is just a ruse.

We’ll never know what really happened,

Just we  owe our planet a decent  stipend

To stop this very pointless waste

And remember ceramic cups make for better

taste

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#HeadlineTherapy

It seems the first thing I do when I get up in the morning is check the News Headlines on my phone. Increasingly I’m beginning to think this is incredibly bad for me and now I realise my reactions to this bombardment must be managed. So each day I will take a Headline and create a piece of writing from it.

“Dessert Shop closes in Town Centre as New Store Moves In”

I remember walking through town about three years ago and there were very few retail outlets that were familiar, all the “brand” names had gone, but I noticed small delicatessen style independents, which looked very appealing and who sold cream cakes and beautifully decorated sponge cakes which looked delicious and very appealing to the eye. The presentation, preparation and hygiene( I assume, I did look for a five star environmental health sign but don’t remember seeing one); was I think impeccable.

I could see a problem though, who was going to buy them and who would make a trip especially into a derelict town centre to buy these delectable sweets , yet not have access to all the shops that you would normally associate with a Town Centre.

The above Headline brought the memories of that sortie into the town centre flooding back. The dessert shop would be replaced by another Phone Shop, an independent retailer who specialises in technology. Just what the Town Centre needs another Phone Shop. I suppose the good news the businesses are owned by the same man, and obviously the “cakes” didn’t work out so he’s moving back to what he built his orignal business with and feels will be more profitable.

It struck me how do these business’s afford the Business Rates, or perhaps small business’s get special rates? Whatever, Marks and Spencer’s didn’t think it was worth their while to stick around. However, a little technology shop that supplies whatever technology is needed by the people that use the Town Centre most of whom are now very much economically challenged. Is this a perfect match, I’m not so sure.

I suppose in some ways it’s just another form of “sugar” to titillate those who are deemed to be economically challenged.

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Laird of The Lamp

You have three magic genie wishes, what are you asking for?
A young boy, called Rab, many years ago, lived  on a croft, that his family worked; way up in a remote  mountainous region of Scotland called the Highlands.
The family did not have much money and if any of the sheep they farmed were ill or died then they would very often have to do without.
Rab worked hard looking after the sheep and in winter,would sleep in the small barn with them to protect them from the cold and the wolves and bears that would eat them given a chance.
One night,while laying out some dried moss to sleep on.Rab noticed something shiny underneath the fresh moss that he had recently gathered from outside.
Earlier on, while taking in  the moss and drying it he had mumbled to himself wishing  that his family could have a bit of luck,instead of facing hardship all the time.
He dug his hands deeper into the moss and picked up the object.It was a tin lamp.
“Not much value in that he thought,it’s a pretty object.My mum  might find it of use or we could sell it to one of our neighbours.I wish it was gold.”
The Lamp changed into gold,but Rab couldn’t tell the difference,to him it was just a dirty old lamp.He laid it to one side and completed his chores which meant feeding and watering the sheep in the barn.
The carrots and turnips that he had for feed,were well passed their best and he felt sorry for the sheep.
“Oh if only I had some decent food,not these rotten carrots and turnips”. Rab said to himself.
It was then he noticed a bag in the corner of the barn,it was full of corn that the sheep loved.Rab was puzzled,but thought his dad must have bought it at the market for winter feed and forgot to tell him.
He supplemented the meagre carrots and turnips with the corn.
After,the sheep were fed and watered Rab settled down for the night on his bed of dried moss and slept soundly.
Unbeknown to Rab,the lamp contained the Laird of The Lamp,who by now had granted three wishes to the boy and  could now  escape from the lamp in which he had been trapped by a spirit for being an evil and  greedy Laird of his people.
The Laird looked down at the boy as he slept and was very grateful to Rab.The Laird had needed to grant three simple wishes to someone who was near the lamp and true of heart and not greedy. Rab had done so and the Laird was free.
From that day, Rab’s family had better luck and they began to make their way in the world.They sold the gold lamp and eventually were able to buy their own land and live on it happily for many generations.
The family  knew of the  Laird nearby who had returned weary from battle and had settled in the area.
He had been a great help to many people and things had improved since his arrival.He was fair and intelligent and offered good advice with everyday problems
No one knew his real story,not even Rab, only the Laird knew what turned him from being a Bad Laird to a Good one.

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A Moon with Moon icing

Why pay to go to the moon when you can decorate a cake and make it look like the surface of the moon? And you can put the moon in the background for added atmosphere and it’s edible and delicious.

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To be or not to be a Plumber

An apprenticeship for five long years

With sweat and effort and many tears

To not qualify would have been a bummer

Not being able to call myself a “Plumber”

But now the Government must intervene

And I must now be an Engineer of Energy Clean

And pass exams that cost me very dear.

To install heat pumps that don’t work I fear,

This is microeconomics gone totally  mad

For my future I feel very sad

I am a plumber! and so was my dad.

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Poor Aunt Tilly

Poor Aunt Tilly

She wanted a willy

And now because of the doctor’s strike

They’ve told her to take a hike,

So for the moment it’s a no,

And to the ladies she must go.

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So Doctors want to Strike Again.

So Doctors want to Strike again,

When will this chaos ever end?

Surely to heal and cure is their end

Not their monetary reward to defend?

You can understand a miners strike

For safer conditions and a better life,

But not a  middle class income which is pretty

nifty

And the opportunity to retire at fifty,

The placards and shouts just look silly

When you know they won’t treat Auntie Tilly,

She’s been ill for ages and needs a scan

The NHS says they’ll do it when they can,

Never mind we’ll soldier through,

There really is nothing more we can do.

But look aghast and hope like hell

That Aunt Tilly’s tumour doesn’t swell.

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The World is making me angry

The World is making me angry

My fuse shortens with every headline

Laugh they say

At what I say?

Oh there’s always a funny angle

You’ve just got to see it,

I can’t or won’t,

No more

My heart hurts,

When the fuse burns out

I will be dead.

Just like everyone else.

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A Wedding  Photograph

All you’re left with is a photograph,

That made you look like a Princess,

But you weren’t.

And he  was no  Bonnie Prince Charles

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