Rob was the first to arrive back at the tent. Rob his mates Root, Pedo and Jar had found the bright orange four man tent abandoned in a skip.Winter was just around the corner and it would give them some shelter and somewhere to put their stuff while they were wandering around the streets on their busy days scrounging money and food and dealing with the various agencies that wanted to help them.
Rob gazed at the tent, maybe they hadn’t put it up quite right, it seemed a bit lop-sided. He tugged at one of the guide ropes, but thought better of it. Tents were not his thing. They were in a good spot beside the industrial estate. Despite the tent being bright orange , no one could see them , it was hidden by trees and a gully which dipped down and meant the tent only came into view once you were close to it. He undid the orange Velcro tab at the top and gently pulled at the zip. It would not last long; the way that ” the boys” yanked at it . Jar had no patience when he was drunk which was of late almost all the time.
Rob went inside. He felt a sense of relief that everything was much as he had left it this morning. The four men were very tidy, there were two sleeping compartments, Rob and Pedo shared one and Root and Jar the other. They all had their own sleeping bags laid out with their other belongings stacked neatly beside them. Their common area had a few shared utensils and a small camping stove for making tea or coffee as they wanted.
The men had known each other about ten years, and they had grew accustomed to each other. Rob smiled as he thought that it was easier to get on with them then it had been with his wife and two children whom he had left some years ago. The “guys” gave each other space, there was an “understanding” between them, no one took advantage and they all knew each other’s story. They all tried their best to keep everything together, sometimes when things got on top of one of them ,they might not see him for a while, but they always seemed to get back together, particularly when things were tough, which with winter on the way it was going to be.
Rob had bought some milk, he still had some money left from his benefits, he had tried to cadge some out of date sandwiches from the Newsagent , but they were having none of it. It was a young girl serving behind the till and she’d said she didn’t think she could just give him sandwiches and she’d check with the boss when he was back. He didn’t argue and just hoped she would remember him next time and feel sorry for him. So it was just the milk which he had to pay for. He knew the others would have snaffled some food from somewhere, there would be enough for the four of them. For now he just wanted to make himself a cup of tea or “Central Heating” as he liked to call it.
He’d finished making his brew back at the tent when Pedo arrived. He’d managed to get hold of some food from the Food Bank, mainly tins and also some bread. He held his bulging rucksack up to Rob
.”That’s good, we won’t go hungry tonight!”
Rob patted Pedo on the back, he knew Pedo would not make eye contact with him, nevertheless any kind word to Pedo was valued . Few knew Pedo’s story, Rob wasn’t sure he knew all the details but that was fine with him. He knew enough to know that nothing was black and white and perhaps Pedo’s nickname was harsh, but that was humanity for you. A witty categorisation of the sordid details that were known about Pedo’s history by those who thought they knew him, and the name had stuck. Was it a fair ? Rob thought not, Pedo was no Jimmy Saville and as far as Rob knew he had never been knighted. That thought made Rob smile.
” Arise Sir Pedo “. He thought to himself and cupped his tea in his hands as he pondered it .
“You hungry, Rob?” Pedo asked looking down at the ground.
” Wouldn’t mind a biscuit with me tea, you got any?”
Without saying anything Pedo rummaged in his rucksack and pulled out a packet of Rich Tea and passed them to Rob.Rob took the packet and opened it , he took a couple of biscuits out of the pack and put the rest in a tin box which the men shared.
” Good Lad” Rob said ” You having a brew?”
Pedo nodded and Rob lit the little stove and brought the water that was left in the small kettle to the boil.
It was later that evening when Root appeared through the darkness. He was in a good mood and greeted Rob and Pedo. Root had already eaten. They were cooking at the “Church Hall” , he’d had a lovely Roast Dinner. Gravy , Roast Spuds the lot.
“It was marvellous. You guys should have came. They let us use the vicar’s shower.”
” We didn’t get an invite, They only want the good un’s ” Rob quipped.
” That ‘s a fact, if you don’t mind the odd prayer , it can’t do any harm, you don’t need to believe it. It’s good nosh and a chance to pamper yourself.” He ran his fingers through his hair and laughed.
” It’s what you guys need a bit of pampering!”
They had had the conversation about religion before and all the men had to agree to disagree. It was an argument that lead nowhere and they wanted to leave the subject well alone. As for pampering themselves, well yes, a free shower would have been nice. It was getting dark , it would soon be time for their bed.
” Well , Pedo , think it’s time for our fried egg and beans.”
Pedo looked up from the book he was reading with his torch.
” Sounds good to me!” Pedo replied.
Rob got up on his feet and decided that he needed a call of nature before cooking the dinner and headed out of the tent.
” Be back in a minute.” He disappeared into the dusk.
Pedo meanwhile got the ingredients out of his rucksack and got the pan, plates and stove ready.When Rob got back from his ablutions, he saw that Root had made himself comfortable in his compartment and was gently snoring in his sleeping bag. There was a small bucket of water outside the tent, with some anti-septic wipes. Rob washed his hands and dried them with the wipes. Hygiene was important and keeping as clean as he could meant he could stay healthy. His time on the road had taught him that.
All three men were asleep when Jar came stumbling through the undergrowth. They had left the door open so Jar would not have to mess with the tabs to open it , as they all knew he would break them. Jar smelled of alcohol, however, he tried his best not to wake the others and after a quick cigarette and heating up some tinned soup on the stove he slipped into his sleeping bag. He had woken the others , but they all just rolled over and fell back asleep. They were glad that Jar was back safely . The door could flap gently backwards and forwards in the slight breeze, it wasn’t cold enough yet to worry about it . They were all warm and dry in their respective sleeping bags.
Rob woke up to a man, a stranger, gently shaking him awake.
“What the… who are you?” Rob sat up quickly, frightened that someone had sneaked up on him while asleep. He looked the stranger in the eyes.
” Don’t worry, I’m not going to harm you , I just needed to talk to you.”
” Have you any idea what time it is?”
Rob looked around, Pedo was fast asleep, he didn’t seem to have noticed the man appearing.The tent compartment had been unzipped and neither of them had noticed. Rob heard Jar and Root snoring next door.
“Can I sit down here for a moment, I promise you , we won’t wake the others.”
Rob felt a sense of calm come over him, the stranger’s sudden appearance no longer disturbed him.
“Alright, sit down, if you’re not going to wake the others.”
The stranger sat cross legged against the side of the tent, Rob sat upright, with his back against his rucksack. He saw that the stranger was neatly dressed in a light grey suit and tie. His grey hair was cut short and his eyes were very blue. Rob thought he looked like a well-heeled insurance salesman and then another thought struck him.
” You from the Council?”
“No Rob, I’m not from the Council” the man said quietly.
” Bit of a long shot, didn’t think the “suits” would come out at this time of night.”
” No you’re right, they wouldn’t. I visit at whatever time is necessary”.
” Are you a Doctor?” Rob was trying to figure what was happening, increasingly though the feeling of calmness was overwhelming, and he felt relaxed even though he did not understand quite what was going on .”
” I suppose , I’m like a Doctor, but no , I just needed to talk to you”.
” OK , I don’t mind what do you want to talk about? “
” Your Guilt, or rather your feelings of guilt?”
Briefly Rob’s feeling of calm left him and memories of his past life, particularly abandoning his wife and young children flooded his mind. Momentarily he was in great mental discomfort. The stranger stared at him as he saw Rob’s face change , Rob’s eyes became moist and he looked away. Rob began to cry. The stranger reached out his hand and touched Rob gently on his shoulder.
” It’s alright Rob, I’m just here to tell you it’s alright, I’m going to show you how things have worked out. It was alright, you needed to go , if you hadn’t have went , well Liz and the children, something awful would have happened. They missed you, but you did the right thing.”
” How do you mean? Why would you say that , no one knows what would have happened , my dreams , I mean they weren’t real. If me and Liz hadn’t so much pressure on us, we would have been OK. I mean we didn’t have a chance.”
“You’ve wanted to go and see your family haven’t you?” The stranger interrupted.
“Yes I have, but somehow I’ve never quite made it.”
” Suppose tonight, that I could give you that chance, that you and Liz could be together and talk through what happened.”
” I want to do that so badly, I want to understand , I want her to understand.”
Rob looked up at the stranger, his eyes pleading. The feeling of calm washed over him and somehow he knew that the man was speaking the truth.
” The stranger reached over and put his finger tips gently on Rob’s forehead , he moved his hand gently downwards and closed
Rob’s eyes. Rob immediately fell into a trance like state.
Rob found himself in the little Italian restaurant that that Liz and him used to reserve for dinner on their wedding anniversary.Liz appeared back at the table where they both had been sitting. She had changed, a bit older , but still with the same attractive figure and ready smile, he remembered.
“My that was a lovely dinner, just needed to freshen up, do you fancy dessert or coffee?”
She asked cheerfully as she sat down.Rob looked down at himself. He was in smart trousers and a nice shirt, he could smell the nice after-shave. He hadn’t felt like this in ages. A meal in a restaurant and coffee, he must be dreaming. No smelly unwashed clothes and no fried eggs and beans.
” Coffee would be nice.” he said as Liz reached out and held his hand across the table. Rob was speechless as he looked at her.
“I’m sorry Liz, so sorry for all I’ve done.”
” Rob, don’t be sorry, what’s done is done. We managed , us and the kids. I knew you had to go, you knew it was for the best and I forgive you. ” She caught the eye of the waiter and called him over.
” The usual ma’am, one black coffee and one coffee with cream”. The waiter looked at them both. ” Just like old times” he said.
Liz looked up and grinned.
” Just like old times.” She watched as the waiter headed off to get the coffee and her eyes turned their gaze lovingly to Rob.
“But Liz how did you manage? I wanted to contact you, but I never thought that you’d want to hear from me.”
” Rob, I always wanted to hear from you, and now I have. I’m so glad. My parents helped out , my dad was like a dad for our kids. Everyone helped, my brothers and sisters. The kids didn’t miss out. Look their twelve and fourteen now.”
Liz reached down to her handbag that was beside her on the floor and took out a family photograph.Rob, looked at the photograph, it was taken on holiday, he recognised his boys along with his brother in law, they had been swimming in the sea.
” They look brilliant! You’ve done a great job.!”
” Yes, Rob, I know I did a brilliant job, but I ‘m just as guilty as you . I let you down. I spent so much time trying to get everything right for the boys that I forgot about the man who gave me the greatest gift I could ever have had. “
Liz continued. ” Yes, I was a great mother, but a terrible wife. I let you flounder. I didn’t realise what I was doing. I was scared, I thought I’d be a hopeless mother. I wasn’t , I was the perfect mother , but I forgot about you and missed the clues that I should have spotted and could have prevented all that happened to us . I didn’t realise how you felt about it all. I should have done. I found your diaries after you left.”
” Did I keep a diary? I can’t remember.”
” Yes, my love, you did it took me a few years to look at it, but one day when I suppose I felt less angry, I took to reading it. “
The coffee’s arrived, the waiter placed the coffee and cream in front of Rob and smiled. He placed Liz’s coffee in front of her and then quietly left the table. Liz put her hands around her cup while Rob poured the cream in his coffee.
” I don’t remember my diary, what did it say Liz?” Rob wasn’t too sure he wanted to know.
“Well it explained a lot, you weren’t a well man.”
” I was sick, look I know the truth, if I hadn’t have left you I would have killed you. That’s what was in the diary wasn’t it?”
“That and other things, it wasn’t all bad. I took my time and read it slowly. I cried a lot. It was heart breaking to know how lonely you felt.”
” It helped me writing, but sometimes I couldn’t tell the difference between my imagination and reality, that was dangerous I felt that at the time, but honestly I’ve blocked that all out now, it was horrible , I had dreadful thoughts.”
” Yes, some of it was very shocking, but that was what was going on inside you , you were trying to resolve, perhaps you did and you knew you had to get away from me. Do you know I understand now and I know you did the best for us and the kids. It was all you could do. You protected us.”
” Yes, but I abandoned you , I left you, I left you with nothing and became a hobo , a tramp. I should have coped with it.” Rob was desperate. He looked into Liz’s eyes. They reached over the table to hold each other’s hands.
” Given your condition, you saved us. I should have got you help, but I was too wrapped up in my own world. I am sorry and I want you to forgive me.” Liz looked pleadingly into Rob’s eyes.
Rob was crying and suddenly he was back in his sleeping bag in the tent and sound asleep, but unknown to him the Stranger was still there looking over him. The stranger sat for a few more moments and looked at Rob, who was sleeping peacefully. Rob’s face was calm, there was a hint of a smile on it.
The stranger turned and leant over Pedo and gently nudged his shoulder.
” James wake up.” Pedo stirred in his sleep and opened his eyes. The stranger’s head was over Pedo’s and the stranger stared directly into Pedo’s eyes.”
Startled Pedo blurted out. ” No one’s called me that in years.” He sat up with his elbows behind him for support.
” Why it’s your name , isn’t it?” The stranger concentrated his gaze at Pedo and Pedo kept his eye on him.
” They call me Pedo , because of what I did. ” Pedo looked away. ” But what are you doing here anyway, I don’t know you. Surely you’ll wake everyone.”
” I need to talk to you.” The stranger replied.
” I’m not much of a one for talking. I don’t like what happens when you try to explain something, people don’t listen.” Pedo gave the stranger a sideway glance. “I’m really tired you know, can’t this wait until morning, maybe we could go and have a coffee some place. You look like a probation officer. “
“That would be nice James, but there are a few things I need to resolve with you tonight. It is rather urgent.”
“Oh well, I suppose, well what is it you want to know?”
” You haven’t forgotten her have you?”
” No you mean Emma, no how could I ?”
” I thought not, do you regret what happened?”
” Well yes, my parents have never forgiven me. My whole family disowned me. I didn’t realise Emma was only thirteen , I thought she was a lot older. I mean we were both working at the National Trust, OK she was a volunteer, but she said she wanted to learn woodcraft . The Police laughed when I said that , thought it was so funny. I mean I never thought she was so young. One thing lead to another and wham , I ‘ve lost my job and I’m on the sex offenders list. No one wanted to listen to my side of the story and now looking back I can’t blame them. I should have saw the warning signs.”
“Yes, I suppose you should have, didn’t she talk about her school and her school friends?”
“Yes, I should have put two and two together, but she said she was a sixth-former. I don’t know why, she was a good kid, we both went too far , her mum and dad found out and there was hell to pay. I think she had a photo on her phone or something. Something stupid. I still feel ashamed. I should have known.
” How old would Emma be now?”
” I don’t know, she’ll always be and look the same to me. I don’t want to think about her age. Her age made me a criminal, cost me my contact with my family. Look at me I live rough and I don’t have any chance anymore of getting a job with my prison record. I can’t face people, they always find out. I’m the pervert who molests little girls.”
” James, I know how tough this has been on you , but I want to show you something that perhaps explains why your dad was so harsh and disowned you. It may not be totally about what you did?”
“What do you mean?” Pedo looked puzzled.
“Think James, how old was your mum , when she had you?”
” I don’t know, she was eighteen I think, different days then, women got married and had children I suppose.”
” Would you be surprised James if I told you she was fourteen when she had your elder brother.”
” No, never, but he died before I was born. I never knew him. My mum and dad never talked about him, well I know mum, kept some baby stuff of his. I think she got pregnant by dad before she was married, and so she never talked about it. I found some things in a box when she died, locks of hair and some baby clothes. It was a bit creepy. “
” You see the real reason your Dad would have nothing to do with you was he thought it was something that he’d passed on to you. A liking for young girls.”
“No, surely not”
” Yes, you see he saw a part of himself in you which he didn’t like, it was totally unfair, it would have been better if he had just talked to you, but he was scared. It was something that had to remain hidden.”
” Like father, like son.”
” Yes”
” That explains a lot, he really , really hated me. Didn’t come and see me in prison, wouldn’t give me any money or shelter. It made everything a hundred times worse. I couldn’t bear it.”
“He wrote one letter and in it he said ” You’re no son of mine”. That was the end for me. I just gave up, on him and on everything.” Pedo looked away.
” I know, people’s fear makes them behave in ways they shouldn’t. I just wanted to let you know that .”
” So that was why, he saw himself in me and couldn’t face it. Thank God my mum didn’t live to see what he did.” Pedo looked again at the stranger.
” I would have never figured that out. I was just trying to blank everything.”
” The pain was too great, I understand that. I hope that makes you feel better, your Dad does love you, it was his fear of himself that he couldn’t face. “
Pedo felt a sense of calm as he looked at the stranger directly ” Thank you”.
The stranger reached over and touched Pedo’s eyelids. Pedo immediately fell into a deep sleep.
The Stranger moved his legs and knelt over to unzip the compartment. He crawled into the porch and looked around for a few moments then undid the zip on the second compartment where Root and Jar were sleeping.
“Root” The stranger shook Root’s shoulder.
” Hhhnn, oh, what , what, it’s too late, I’m sleeping.” Root murmured in his sleep.
Root opened his eyes and saw the stranger.
” Who are you?” He looked up.
” It doesn’t matter who I am, I just wanted to say thank you.”
” Thank you for what?”
” For being who you are , for doing what you do?”
” I don’t do anything. Look at me I’m here. “
” You care, you look after these people.”
” I don’t know what you’re talking about, we are here and we make the best of it . It’s just one of those things. Life isn’t easy for a lot of people.” Root looked at the stranger. “Why are you here and who are you?”
” I’m here to help you through the pain, to make it so you will have no fear. You deserve that.”
” I suppose then this is the end.” Root looked the stranger straight in the eye. ” I never thought it would be like this”.
” It isn’t always like this, but we couldn’t let you handle this by yourself. You could not have saved them. You did your bit. You deserve peace, whatever peace is.”
” Peace, oh that would be wonderful, not having to worry what was going to happen next, who was going to get upset. Where our next meal was coming from. “
“I suppose when you put it like that Peace is quite appealing”
” You’re an angel aren’t you?”
” How did you guess?”
” I’ve read the bible , the Angels are like the Soldiers, they go out and about, they like to fight for whatever side. It’s a strange mix, and when you get a bad one then all hell let’s loose.”
” I’m not a bad one, or a good one for that matter. We just take situations and deal with them. The Bible is a good book, a good story , not entirely without merit. I do like the Old Testament best, does the best for Angels. Tells it like it is , it would be awful if we were all Saints.”
Root laughed. ” I can’t believe I’m hearing this. I wish I could tell the Vicar what I’ve just heard. It would make his day! Angels the good and the bad. Mind you he’d want to know more, and I suppose we don’t have much time. He’d want to know the Truth.”
” The Truth, well if you look inside yourself you see the Truth. Your Vicar is a fine man, perhaps one day you will be able to talk to him and tell him about me.”
” I hope so , he has been good to me and the boys.” Root looked around the tent. ” I can hear leaves rustling.
” The sound of Autumn, it’s a beautiful sound.” The Angel’s eyes looked around the tent, they almost seem to light it up.
” Peace and Beauty, Life isn’t so bad you know?”
” I appreciate that , perhaps what comes next will be better?”
” Who knows, I suppose there’s no guarantees” Root looked at the ground.
” I’ve given your friends the Peace they deserve , I just need to talk to Jar now. Perhaps you would like some sleep . “
Root looked up ” Yes, I’m very tired.” Root lay back down and put his head on the pillow, the Angel put
his hands over Root’s eyes and he fell into a deep sleep.
The Angel turned to Jar, who had already woken.
“No ,No, it was me , I killed them.”
” Well yes, Jar, you were drunk, accident’s happen. ”
“I didn’t mean to , they were my friends , they looked after me. “
” I know Jar, it’s OK, it was an accident. Tents and stoves don’t mix, just like alcohol and stoves don’t mix. You just forgot to turn it off that’s all.” The Angel looked at him and continued to speak.
” I’m here to help you. What you did was careless, but with all your efforts to blank out the real world, it’s not surprising this happened. Why do you need to blank everything out?”
” I just need to , I don’t want to think . Thinking makes me sad, there’s too many choices. Everyone wants to tell me what to do. “
” I understand, and no one tells a Drunk man what to do, do they?”
” No one is interested in a Drunk man, they only want them to keep away. It worked for a long while.”
” That makes sense, almost like your security blanket.”
” Maybe not so secure, sometimes it just made me feel sick. After years on the bottle, there’s no pleasure in it. All that’s left is just a feeling of numbness.”
” I understand, and in truth you made a choice and you stuck with it. I admire that.”
” I didn’t mean to harm anyone.” Jar looked at the Angel , he was hoping for some affirmation, but he didn’t get it.
” No, I suppose you didn’t , it was just an accident. I have to go now. You can sleep easy now. Good Night.”
Jar closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep. The stranger moved out of the compartment silently, he zipped up both sides and nimbly left through the porch door that flapped in the wind. He disappeared into the night.
It was on The News on the local radio the next day that four men had burned to death in a tent on an industrial estate near the centre of town. The Police and Fire Brigade were investigating the cause, and trying to identify the bodies and inform the next of kin. It had been a terrible accident but there had been nothing anyone could have done to save the men. It was not thought anyone else was involved and the likelihood it had been caused by a camping stove. Anyone with information about who the men might be please could they contact the Police.
The various authorities who dealt with the homeless in the area were very upset and said that not enough was done to help the homeless and that what had happened was inevitable. The local Vicar got in touch and said he knew one of the men and later on two of the men were identified by dental records. One man remained unidentified.
