Simon Paddlebuck was born in 1685 and died in 1762 at the splendid age of 77, he had lived a good and prosperous life, never married but had many relatives and friends who kindly arranged when the time came for him to have a lovely plot in the graveyard of St Bostsophine’s Church in the Parish of Winterstone and there he lay for many years undisturbed.
He had indeed not really lay there all his death, in truth he wondered around a lot. He never lost his zest for life and truthfully Heaven , where everyone actually ended up, was actually quite boring . Sometimes when he was required by the rules, to take a statutory break; for what seemed like an eternity; he went up to Heaven to have his soul MoT’d. This was a necessary part of being part of Heaven, some took longer to pass than others, but everyone passed eventually.
After the break and achieving the required certificate , Simon would return to his usual routine, listening in to everything that was going on around him where he used to live and sleeping at night in his favourite place, his grave.
Simon had been an industrious chap all his life and liked to stay busy , so he was quite happy to go back down and potter around his old town and see what was going on, visit old friends incognito, keep an eye on Council meetings and on a weekly basis watch the various competitive games of darts, cribbage and quoits that were played in the local pubs. He even liked watching television although he got frustrated that he couldn’t change a channel himself.
At night he’d slip into his grave and fall asleep, it was very comfortable and quite quiet, and to him it was warm as he didn’t feel the cold now at all. He also had no concept of darkness as he could see through everything. He would listen to everything around him, it was so much more interesting than boring ol’ Heaven.
It was in the 1970’s that Simon began to notice something rather unpleasant happening in the Church Yard.
People were walking their dogs, lots of them, some of the dogs were allowed to run around and weed and pooed wherever they wanted, some were on lead and the owners would follow them and let them do their business anywhere and although some of them cleared up the mess a lot of the people didn’t.
Unfortunately as dogs are pack creatures, once the pack leader had decided on a spot , all the dogs followed and the dogs had decided on the spot right beside Simon’s headstone.
Simon was not happy, he still had a strong sense of smell and he wasn’t able to sleep at night, not to mention the unsightly look of his grave. He was not going to allow this sacrilege to continue.
At first he’d thought he’d highlight it to the vicar. He decided a bit of telekinesis might help, he had permission to use telekinesis on his Heaven MoT Certificate so he began moving the offending article of poos to the entrance of the Church.
On a Saturday night he would move two or three particularly gross turds onto the pavement close to the door of the Church. Sunday would come and the congregation would be treading carefully up the path. The vicar couldn’t help but notice the waft of dog excrement as he started his sermon.
There was talk among the parishioners of how inconvenient it was and how they hated sitting at Church knowing that their shoe had dog poo on it. No matter how hard they tried to scrape it off on the grass outside before they entered the Church, it always seemed to stick and the smell never seemed to go away.
The Vicar heard the murmurings, but what could he do, he’d put polite notices up, but it was a Country Parish, most people had dogs. One of his parishoners had told him that
“It was perfectly natural and anyway her dog always did it in the bushes, not on the path.”
He had proposed to the Bishop putting a poo bin up in the Church Yard which The Vicar felt this might solve the problem . The Bishop, unfortunately , declined his request saying that it would cost too much money and anyway who would empty it?
So things continued as they were for a while. Simon felt he had no choice but to take things himself in hand the telekenisis had worked a treat, but perhaps he needed to up it a gear and do a little proper ghost work.
He would however, have to make a brief visit up to Heaven and to gain some extra permissions to do some extracurricular activities. He’d have to give his reasons why he needed these “extras” and there would be a lot of paperwork to fill in. Simon though was determined and his plans were becoming more concrete and it didn’t take too long getting the extra permissions to “speak” “appear” ” glow” and “limited poltergeistism”. Armed with his certificate of achievement and a pledge not to bring Heaven into disrepute he hurried back to the Church Yard and was dismayed to find the mess and smell around his headstone. He knew where he had to start.
The worst offending dogs were the ones that roamed around the Church Yard at night by themselves. They were a rough lot and often got into scrapes such as escaping from their gardens and stealing food and bringing it to the Church Yard to have a party. The leader Shane was most disrespectful, Simon hated the sound of Shane cocking his leg on Simon’s Headstone and overtime the Headstone was beginning to turn green.
Simon settled down for a nap, it wasn’t long before the village dogs arrived. They were their usual noisy, messy selves with Shane as their leader showing the worst example of all. Leaving food wrappers and dog excrement everywhere. Simon could stand it no longer.
He shot out of the grave in full glow. The dogs were stunned they couldn’t believe their eyes. Shane the bravest began to bark, but Simon leapt at him and though his hands went through Shane, the movement was enough to make him jump back in horror, he knocked over another smaller dog as he did so, who ended up in a heap .The other dogs looked on in disbelief and began to run away down the path. None of them were brave enough to hang around.
With Shane in front they ran down the path and to the front gate of the Churchyard, it was locked, they ran back , but they had to go by the ghostly figure again , who using his telekinesis began to pelt them with dog poo. They just kept running and didn’t stop until they had all made it home. Shane was shaken and when he got back ,his owner was very puzzled as he was trembling.
” What have you been up to my lad , you look like you’ve seen a ghost and my you stink, have you been rolling in fox poo, you smell terrible. Come on out to the shed and I’ll wash and shampoo you!” Shane was just grateful to get home, so dutifully followed his master out to the shed. Shane never went near the Church Yard by himself again, not even during the daytime with his owner. Shane would shiver and shake when he reached the gates of the Church Yard, so eventually his owner gave up and avoided the Church Yard.
Simon felt he had done a good nights work and after moving all the dog poo to the compost heap at the end of the Church Yard with his telekenisis, he settled down to have a sleep. He was very comfortable and he knew he’d have to wait until Saturday night for the next bit of his plan and it was only Wednesday. He ticked off his calendar and slept soundly.
Simon had just woken up and was ticking Friday off, when he had a sudden thought. The Bishop, maybe needed a bit of persuasion to help the Vicar. Perhaps a good ol’ haunting would do the trick. At 10′ o’clock that night Simon made his way to the Bishop’s Palace and when he arrived he found the Bishop in bed asleep, he set to work.
First he opened the windows, so the cold would wake the Bishop up. Then he started to wail and move things around in the room. The Bishop who was a sound sleeper , began to stir and when he opened his eyes, he saw a figure holding a piece of paper on which was written the following.
” I hereby allocate the necessary funds to provide two poo bins in the Churchyard of St Bostophine’s Church . One bin at the front entrance to the Church path and one at the back gate exit and to ensure that the bins are maintained and emptied on a regular basis. “
“Sign, Sign” Simon wailed and handed the Bishop a pen.
The Bishop signed the paper and then immediately fainted. Simon thought he had done enough and pulled the cord for the Bishop’s butler to come and revive the Bishop who in truth had turned quite pale. With a very rapid telekinesis, Simon tidied the room and closed the windows and disappeared the signed piece of paper in hand. When the butler arrived he found a very pale Bishop shivering in bed. He got him a hot drink and some medicine as he thought he might be coming down with the flu.
Simon posted the piece of paper into the Vicar’s letterbox and headed off for a rest. His plan for Saturday night would keep him busy, and he was sure that would be the end of it, Heaven would be happy if he didn’t need to extend his “extra powers”
The next morning the Vicar looked at the piece of paper that had came through the letter box, he was absolutely delighted and tried to ring the Bishop to thank him, but he was told the Bishop was indisposed and so he left a message.
The Vicar got everything underway with ordering the poo bins and he decided that he would employ a part-time gardener who would be responsible for the maintenance of the Church Yard, well the Bishop hadn’t been very specific with the budget and the old adage give an inch take a mile came into his mind. This would be good news to tell his congregation on Sunday.
Saturday night came and Simon was ready to follow through on the rest of his plan. He had a list of parishioners who were the worst offenders when it came to not picking up after their dogs. Between 7 O’clock and ten O’clock at night , they routinely walked their dogs, sometimes in the Church Yard and sometimes in town. He followed them all.
Each time any dog stopped and the owner didn’t clear up the mess. Simon would appear in front of the owner saying.
“Pick it up! “
If they didn’t have a poo bag , Simon would magically telekenise them one. The dog couldn’t see Simon, and each dog was pleasantly surprised when the owner turned and cleared up the mess as the dogs knew people weren’ t happy with them when they left a mess. This went on all night and amazingly the owners were not frightened out of their wits, because Simon was using his ghostly powers just to look like a normal human being, they didn’t register that he has appeared from nowhere , they didn’t argue as Simon used his special persuasive hypnotism to make them agree.
When Sunday arrived and the Vicar was standing at the door to greet his Parishoners, the Vicar was relieved not to see the usual dog mess. A lot of the Parishioners were talking about meeting a man the previous night who told them very nicely that they needed to clear up after their dogs mess and that actually it was a very good idea. They were doubly pleased when the Vicar told them that the Parish had been given the go ahead to order the poo bins and also employ a part- time Gardener. They all promised to each other to stock up on poo bags.
Simon could relax now, and when he was having a rest in his grave , he could smell the wildflowers again and he was happy. He sent all his paperwork back to Heaven as agreed and hoped he would never need to use his “extra” haunting skills again. Shane’s owner too was happy as Shane paid a lot more attention to him now and Shane didn’t go running off by himself. They had more fun together.
The End.
thenotsomightyom 